Surviving Divorce

The dreams . . .

We get married with such high hopes! We've been planning our wedding since we were five: We picked out the dress, we daydreamed about the cake, the music, the walk down the aisle, the flowers, your first dance --

The reality:

-- but when a different reality intrudes, we are devastated.

No one likes to admit that her marriage did not work out.

We feel like we failed somehow.

Don't fall into that trap!

What divorce mainly indicates is that the two people involved are human, and humans make mistakes.

The first question:

Has there been any physical, emotional or sexual abuse?

If so:

• Stop reading at once.

• Take your children by the hand.

• WALK OUT OF THAT HOUSE.

After you are safe, come back to this website and click here for a good site about surviving battering.

The second question:

Can this marriage be saved?

Is there any hope that an outside counsellor can help you work through the issues that have separated you?

Did either of you come into the marriage with old baggage from childhood, or another bad relationship, that is negatively affecting this marriage?

Divorce is really tough. So it is important to explore all these avenues before you take the final step to severing the marriage.

Sometimes we escape from a bad choice of partners basically unhurt: There are no kids to consider, no property to divide up, no possessions to fight over. This is an easy one: If no-fault divorce is available in your state, you wish each other well and go your separate ways. (Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer and cannot give legal advice, therefore I urge you to check out this list to get competent legal advice.)

What about the kids?

However, if children are involved, and you did buy a house, the picture can get complicated. You absolutely must protect yourself and your children and resolve to find the least distruptive way to separate yourself from this situation.

PRIORITY NO. 1:

It is essential that you get top advice from a disinterested third person, someone who is not emotionally involved with either of you, someone who is committed to acting in the best interest of both you and your children. In other words, a good divorce lawyer. He or she will represent you in the best possible light, will advise you about your money situation so you can get what you are legally entitled to, and will fight for the best child support you can get.

PRIORITY NO. 2:

Do NOT talk badly about your husband in front of the kids!

This statement needs to be repeated:

Do NOT talk badly about your husband in front of your kids!

He may have disappointed you as a husband; that doesn't necessarily mean that he hasn't been a good and loving father.

Your children are going to need you both during this time that can only be described as terrifically frightening to them.

What kids fear most is abandonment. It is critical that you assure them that even though Dad and Mom are not getting along, we both love you very much.

It is important to understand that you are going to have a relationship with this man, through your children, for a very long time.

This means that you are going to encounter each other at graduations, weddings, confirmations, bar and bat mitzvahs, in the newborn nursery admiring your MUTUAL grandchildren, and so forth. If it is all possible try to maintain a civil atmosphere so that you can both decide how the children are going to be raised in this new reality.

Money:

Ladies, the sad truth is that divorce is expensive. Even sadder is the realization that your husband, the person you thought was your best friend, is going to become your adversary. It is tricky to maintain your emotional balance in this situation.

If you are a stay-at-home mom, unless your soon-to-be ex makes an unusually large salary, you may find yourself having to dust off your old skills and go back to work. What was enough money to maintain one household will probably not be enough to maintain two, without a lot of adjustments on both sides.

There are lots of places for displaced homemakers to find help. Click here for a list.

You may find yourself having to move to a less-expensive home.

You may have to sell your home and move into an apartment, or even worse, in with relatives.

You may have to enroll the kids in public school rather than that private school which you got them into so they could make good social contacts for the future.

You may have to shop at Macy's instead of Nordstroms, or Target instead of Macy's, or the Goodwill instead of Target or the church basement clothing closet instead of Goodwill.

You may have to do your food shopping at Safeway instead of Trader Joes, or a discount food store instead of Safeway, or stand in line at the food bank instead of going to the discount store.

You may have to get foodstamps and other social services that you never thought you'd need.

You may have to give up your SUV for an old car, or even take the bus.

Hopefully your attorney will be able to save you from some of these discomforts. However, it is important to understand that often people have to downsize considerably in the wake of divorce.

The bottom line:

1. If there is abuse, leave NOW.

2. If there is hope, get counselling.

3. If there is no hope, no children and no property, determine if you can get a do-it-yourself divorce in your state.

4. If there are children and property, get a divorce lawyer.

5. Be realistic about the likelihood of downsizng your lifestyle.

I'm sure I've left out a lot. Please use the box below to leave comments so that I can make this site more useful for you.